Death falls for Integra
by Metropolis Kid
Summary: Ever wondered why Integra ALWAYS manages to survive situations that would kill any other 'normal' human? Well, there's a reason for that; and it's probably not what you'd expect. It seems Alucard isn't the only cold body with the hots for his master. LoL
1. Integra on her Death Bed

**Integra on her Death Bed.**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

**AN:** Okay, this will likely be very short. And the first chapter will be the least funny in the series. But, hopefully, you still enjoy it and continue reading.

* * *

"We've done all we can for her." The surgeon informed the two vampires as he exited the mansion's operating room. "We got all the contaminated blood out, but... she's not out of the woods yet." The doctor cast a look back at the room where Sir Integra Hellsing laid, weak and unconscious. "The next few hours will tell; but for now, all we can do is wait... wait and pray."

Seras nearly broke out crying as she heard the news, but she managed to restrain her emotions to nothing more than a few tears that streamed down the side of her face. Pray? Yes, she would pray... even though she wasn't sure if God would listen to a vampire. There was still a chance, right?

Alucard's expression was like stone. He hardly displayed any emotion at all. But anyone who was reasonably close to the No-Life King would've known his master's current condition upset him just as much as it did his fledgling. Still, the ancient vampire would not bother with prayers. Even if God listened to the prayers of vampires, Alucard doubted it would do any good. The Lord had seen fit to take away everyone else the vampire had ever cared about... even before he became a creature of darkness. Why should his master be any different.

Alucard huffed, then looked down at Seras. At least he still had her. And she was like him, immortal, somewhere beyond Death's cold clutches. And heaven help any 'slayer' that tried to take her away.

Inside the operating room, Integra laid, hooked up to a multitude of beeping machines. She had an oxygen mask over her face. And despite her weak condition... or perhaps because of it, the long haired blonde woman slept more soundly than she had in months.

And as she slept, she dreamed. She dreamed of her first days as leader of the Hellsing organization, the death of her father, the betrayal of her uncle and the day when a little twelve year old orphan discovered the 'pet' vampire sleeping in her basement.

But Integra was not quite as alone as one might first suspect. For her time had come. She was to die that night, and with her the last blood descendant of Abraham Van-Helsing. That was what was suppose to happen. But since when did things EVER go the way they were suppose to?

Suddenly the temperature in Integra's room dropped five degrees, and a dark robed figure stepped through the far wall. In one hand he held an oversized scythe; in the other, a clipboard with a list of names on it. Every one above Integra's was already checked off.

"Okay, who do we have this time?" The figure causticly asked himself as he brought his list up and checked it. "Sir Integra Hellsing, huh? Alright, fellow..." He continued as he walked over to the knight's bed. "Time to be shoving off for the after lif-"

The figure stopped mid-word as he looked down at his latest 'fare'. This was no man. It was a woman... a beautiful woman. "What the... you can't possibly be SIR Integra Hellsing." He spoke at the unconscious woman.

"Oh, that's just great. The pencil pushers down in the filing department messed up... again." The figure sighed then bent down and took a moment to brush a hair out from in front of the woman's face. "Well, at least the trip wasn't a total loss." He said before turning and starting to walk away. "You get some rest... I'll go have a talk with the clerks and be back for your brother, cousin, uncle, father... whatever tomorrow.

"Sleep tight... whoever you are." Were the figure's parting words as he made a casual wave and stepped back through the wall.

* * *

Death finished the rest of his fares for the day and then went back to the Celestial Bureaucracy, where he worked. Once the spirit finished typing up his reports, he headed down to the file room to figure out just what the clerks had gotten wrong this time. It took fifteen minutes, five different clerks, one supervisor and, eventually, a picture before Death finally understood. Well, he still didn't completely understand. Why the heck would a woman have the title 'Sir' anyway? But after seeing the picture on file, the spirit was finally convinced that the mistake had actually been his own.

He was then forced to apologize to each of the clerks, most of whom were rather reluctant to accept his apologies. Even he had to admit that some of his comments, particularly the ones about dating mishaps that must've resulted from the clerks' inability to discern a male from a female, were a bit over the line. But finally, after 'donating' his last thirty dollars to buy some pizza's for the clerks lunch break, he was forgiven; and everything went back to normal... well as normal as things ever were at the Celestial Bureaucracy.

* * *

The next day, Death was suppose to correct his earlier mistake. However, that was not as easy as he thought it would be. 'Sir' Integra had woken up; and when the spirit returned to claim her, he found her sitting behind a desk, shouting orders like a maniac.

Her face was flushed. Her long, platinum-blonde hair flew around with every whipping motion of her head. Her royal-blue eyes were practically a flame. And she spoke... yelled and screamed with such passion. In short, she was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen.

"Ah, crap!" The spirit exclaimed. She was so full of life. He couldn't take it all away from her. He just couldn't. He was crazy. He had to be. That was the only way to explain it. She was nearly foaming at the mouth, and he'd never been so aroused in his life... at least not while still wearing his robe. But he just couldn't help it. He was captivated by her, enchanted by her.

With a sigh, the spirit raised his clipbored and wrote 'undead' in the status box next to her name. It was the best thing he could think of. With an undead status, his bosses wouldn't question why he would return without her soul. And they'd never take the time out of their own 'busy schedules' to verify the report... at least Death hoped they wouldn't.

He cast one more look at the crazed, warrior woman before sighing again and heading off. He ached for her. He had to have her, but she'd never look twice at him. No, he couldn't just introduce himself. He needed help... help from the one man who might possibly be able to instruct him in how to win the woman over, the man who'd helped him get his last date, Peter Griffin.

* * *

Well, like I said, the future chapter(s) will be funnier. Just wait until you see/hear... read how Peter 'helps'. ;) This was mostly just to lay the ground work. But I still hope you enjoyed this chapter and got, at least, a mild kick out of some of it. Please review and let me know what you thought. Thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.


	2. Death and the Fatman

**Death and the Fatman**

**AN:** I would just like to say that I intend no offense in this chapter. Those who know Family Guy, know that it is NOT a politically correct show and I'm trying to imitate the style found within. The views expressed buy FG characters here are not my own and are intended soully for the sake of humor.

He cast one more look at the crazed, warrior woman before sighing again and heading off. He ached for her. He had to have her, but she'd never look twice at him. No, he couldn't just introduce himself. He needed help... help from the one man who might possibly be able to instruct him in how to win the woman over, the man who'd helped him get his last date, Peter Griffin.

* * *

Peter was, at that very moment, flipping through TV channels when something on PBS happened to catch his eye. The fatman stopped for a moment and turned to the dog sitting beside him. "Hey, Brian, does... does the Sesame Street Count look like a vampire to you?"

Brian sighed. "Peter, we've already had this discussion."

"Oh." Peter replied and then paused. "So... what ah, what did we decide?"

Brian sighed again. "Yes, he looks like a vampire..." Peter started to open his mouth, but Brian continued before the fatman got the chance. "And no, they've never done an episode of Sesame Street where the Count does someone in and then feasts on their blood."

"Oh." Peter replied and went back to watching the Count's Sesame Street segment. After a brief moment, the fatman opened his mouth again. "So... ah, they ever done a segment where he bites someone's neck and sucks their blood without killing them first?"

Brian sighed for a third time and pushed himself off of the couch. He ignored Peter's question and instead simply stated, "I'm going for a walk."

"Oh... okay. Just remember... if you do it on the lawn, you've gotta scoop it into a baggy afterwards."

Peter went back to watching the TV. "You're a sneaky little vampire, aren't you, Mister Count? You think you've got them all fooled. But I know. I know. You've gotta eat sometime... and someday..." Peter stood up and flourished his remote control as if it were a cutlass. "Someday, I will expose you to the world. And then, I, Sir Peter Van-Hell-Griffin, will defeat you and your evil horde of zombie numbers. Haha! Take this!" Peter jabbed his remote at the television screen.

But at that moment, a dark hooded head came out of the screen. Startled, Peter let out a girlish shriek and jumped back. Then he breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, Death. It's just you. Phew, for a minute there... I thought the Count had found my secret hide out."

"What... No... What?" The spirit shook his head as the fatman began to open his mouth. "Never mind, we don't have time for that right now. I... I need your help."

"Oh? Wait... you don't want me to kill anymore teen heartthrob, TV actors, do you?"

"What? No. I need your help getting a date."

"Ah, so it's romance is it?" Peter walked over and put his arm around Death's shoulder like they were a couple of old buddies. "Well then, just leave everything to me. I'll help you out, just like I helped you out with that pet-store girl... Hey, what ever happened between you two anyway?"

"Ah..."

**Flashback: Death and Amy, the pet-store girl, are sitting in a diner, drinking coffee.**

"So, ah... you ever go online? Gotta love that Internet. Lot a.. Lot a things on the Internet, right?" The Spirit said clumsily.

"Yeah... Actually, I bought these shoes online." Amy replied as she stuck out a foot to show off her shoe. "I bought them because they don't test on animals. I love Animals. They're just like people... only smaller and covered in fur. And they don't have war. War is an invention of man."

"What are you talking about? Animals fight all the time."

"Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your kids with nuclear arms."

Death sighed then reached across the table. He touched Amy's upper-arm, and the pet-store employee's head fell down unto the table and started bleeding. Death held up a skeletal hand. "Check please."

**End Flashback:**

"We, ah... decided to just be friends."

"Oh... Well then, tell me about this new girl."

"Well, her name's Integra, and she's really pretty... Beautiful, in fact. She's got this long, flowing platinum-blonde hair. And she's so passionate, so full of life..."

"Oooo. Sounds like you've got it bad." Peter commented before starting to dance around a little while continuing in a singsong voice. "Death and Integra sitting in a tree, 'K'-'I'-'S'-'S'-'I'-'N'-'G'."

"Okay. Okay, I get it." The spirit replied good-heartedly, though he did sound a bit embarrassed.

"First comes love."

"Alright. That's enough." Death said in a slightly more annoyed tone.

"Then comes marriage."

"Hey, I said that's enough!" Death raised his voice and added an authoritative edge.

"Then-comes-Death, pushing-a-baby-carriage." Peter finished up quickly.

Death let out a grown. "Done?" Peter nodded his head. "Good, now can we get back to my problem?"

Peter nodded again and placed his arm back around Death's shoulder. "Look, Death, you're a great catch. And any woman would be lucky to have you. The problem is, you don't have any self confidence. What you need is a little help from my old friend, Jack Daniels!" Peter said climactically.

But then his voice dropped and took on a saddish tone. "Unfortunately, Jack died a number of years ago... in a drunk-driving accident."

"Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels? Oh wait, I remember him. Wasn't he the guy who robbed that liquor store, got totally loaded and ran over five school kids before finally crashing into a telephone pole and dying in a fiery explosion..."

**Cut away to a parody singer with a funky hair due:**

"I tried to warn him!" The singer exclaimed. "But alas, his fate was sealed the day he downloaded White and Nerdy." The singer shook his head sadly, before continuing, "So, remember kiddies..." The man burst out into song.

"So don't download this song.  
The record store's where you belong.  
Go and buy the CD, like you know that you should.  
Oh, don't download this song.

"Oh, you don't wanna mess with the R-I-double-A.  
They'll sue you if you burn that CD-R.  
It doesn't matter if you're a grandma, or a seven year old girl.  
They'll treat you like the evil hard-bitten criminal scum you are.

"So don't download this song.  
Don't go pirating music all day long.  
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should.  
Oh, don't download this song."

**Cut back to Peter and Death:**

"And then three of the parents committed suicide. Man, that was a busy night!"

"Anyway." Peter began, not really having paid attention to Death's comment about the night Jack Daniels died. "Since my old buddy isn't here to give you a confidence boost... I'll be your confidence boost." The fatman pointed proudly to himself.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Peter and Death were standing on the front lawn in front of the Hellsing mansion:

"Uh, I'm not so sure about this. You know, she's got a couple of vampire servants, and if they catch you trespassing..." Death's skeletal hand went up to rub the back of his hooded head. "I mean I can keep you from getting killed, but there's a lot of... 'other things' they can do to you."

"Now don't worry about the vampires. You already warned me, and that's why I brought this!" Peter pulled a one pound back of sunflower seeds out from his pocket. "Just let the vampires try to get me when I got these secret weapons." Peter smiled smugly.

"Yeah, but that's just a..." Death started.

But Peter dropped an ear-receiver into Death's hand and gave the spirit a little push towards the mansion. "Just pop that into your ear and do everything I tell you... And you'll be fine." The fatman stated as he crouched down inside a patch of bushes and held a radio transmitter up to his mouth and a pair of binoculars up to his eyes.

(Sorry if this was too much FG and not enough Hellsing. But other than Death, the last chapter was just about all Hellsing. So I figured this would kind of balance things out. Next chapter: Peter 'help's' Death try to win over Integra, and Seras catches the fatman hiding in the bushes. Well, hope you're continuing to enjoy this. Please drop me a review and let me know what you think thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)


	3. Peter 'Helps'

**Peter 'Helps'**

**AN:** Okay, guys, DO NOT follow any of Peter's advice. He's an idiot, a retard, actually. And I bare no responsibility for anyone who's dumb enough to actually try any of this and gets themselves killed by some crack shot, English aristocrat.

"Alright, now remember, as soon as she opens the door, your eyes should go directly to her chest." Peter instructed as Death stood outside Integra's office.

The spirit seemed a little unsure of the advice. "Um... Are you sure about that, Peter? I thought women didn't like it when men looked at their chest instead of maintaining eye contact."

"No, no. You see that's just a myth, a trick. In reality, female's are very vain and insecure creatures. They need constant reassurance of their sexiness. Trust me, the best thing you can do when meeting a woman for the first time is never take your eyes off their chest... unless of course they're facing away from you, then you need to compliment their ass. Like, 'Wow, Baby, you've got such a tight, sweet ass!'."

"Uh... o-k-a-y." Death replied, still sounding a bit unsure but willing to follow Peter's advice. After all, what was the point of getting an expert's opinion and then disregarding it? The spirit knocked on the office door.

Inside the office, Integra looked up from a small stake of papers. The knight growled, "Oh, who is it?"

"Uh... it's Death." The spirit replied through the closed door. "You don't know me yet, but... but I would really like the chance to talk to you."

"Alucard, I don't have time for any of your childish games right now. I'm busy! Go 'play' with the Police Girl or something." The knight replied, sure that it was just another one of her servant's stunts. After all, who else would be sick enough to claim to be Death? Was she Ebenezer Scrooge, that the grim reaper should come visit her before her appointed time?

"No, I really am Death, and I need to talk to you." The spirit affirmed.

The knight sighed. It was obvious her 'servant' was in one of his moods, and she wouldn't get any peace until she'd indulged him for a bit. "Fine, come on in. Just make it quick. I've got a lot of paperwork to do."

Death reached for the door knob, but it wouldn't turn. "Ah, door's locked." The spirit spoke through the door.

"And when has that ever stopped you before? Just walk through the wall like you always do!" The knight replied, sounding a little put out.

Peter's voice rang in Death's ear. "No, don't do that... It's another trick. You've got to establish your dominance early in the relationship or the woman will end up wearing the pants."

"But, she already wears pants." The spirit replied sounding confused by Peter's statement.

"Trust me, even the feminist types want a strong man to lead them around... they just cover it up better. Make her come to you."

"But... but..."

"Trust me, Death... You want her to respect you, right?"

"Alright." The spirit replied then raised his voice so it would carry better through the door. "No, I'm not walking through the wall, you come over here and open up the damn door..." Peter whispered something else into his radio, and Death added, "Woman." to the end of his statement.

Integra's eyes went wide. "What the bloody hell's wrong with you?! Have you lost your mind?! Have you forgotten who the master is?! Vampire!!! Now you get in here this very instant and explain yourself! Or, so help me, the twenty years my father locked you up for will seem like a fortnight by the time I let you out!!!"

There was that yelling again, that beautiful, passionate yelling. Death couldn't resist. It was as if the woman had cast a spell over him. He was simply compelled to step through the wall and enter her office.

In the bushes outside, Peter groaned. "No, no. I told you, make her come to..." The fatman's statement was cut off as a strong arm lifted him from his squatting position in the bushes.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" A sweet, but firm toned, feminine voice inquired.

But as Peter turned to answer the woman, he caught sight of her chest and temporarily lost control of his mouth. "Hummina... Hummina... Hummina..." A thin line of drool began to drip from the corner of Peter's mouth.

Inside Integra's office, the knight, though still furious, couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her 'servant's' appearance. "Taking the role playing a bit far tonight, aren't we, Alucard?"

Meanwhile back outside, Seras was taken a little off guard by the fatman's strange reaction to being caught. "What are you, retarded or something?" The girl, who was dressed in clothing reminiscent of a role playing stripper's police uniform, asked.

"Well, yes actually. But... but they're just so freaken big!" Peter replied; and Seras, following the fatman's eyes, finally understood what his problem was.

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me? Not another pervert!" The vampire fledgling exclaimed more to herself then the peeping tom she'd caught lurking in the bushes.

"Can I... Can I touch them?" Peter dumbly asked as he brought a hand near the vampire's chest.

Seras batted the hand away. "Most certainly not." She replied sternly as she wondered whether she should bother Integra to find out what she wanted just what she should do with the perverted, retarded peeping tom.

"I say we eat him." A voice came from somewhere behind the fledgling and her master emerged from the shadow cast by a nearby tree.

Seras turned to her master, and Peter took advantage of the distraction, moving his hand the rest of the way to Seras's breast. He squeezed it and imitated the sound of a car horn. The fledgling eeped and, temporarily shocked, lost her grip on the fatman. Peter quickly pulled the bag of seeds out of his pocket, tour it open and spread them in-between the two vampires and himself.

Seras arced an eyebrow at the fatman. "What was the point of tha..." The fledgling stopped mid-word, and her lower jaw just hung open for a moment as she saw her master dive in front of her and begin picking up and examining the seeds one at a time.

Seras closed her eyes and shook her head, utterly convinced she was seeing things. But when she opened her eyes back up, her master was still down on the ground with the seeds. "M-Master, what... what are you doing?"

"They're seeds, Police Girl." Alucard replied without even bothering to look up. "I... I must count them."

"But... but why?" Seras asked, the most confused expression possible upon her face.

"Because... they're seedsss." Her master hissed, sounding slightly upset over his fledgling's apparent ignorance of vampire tradition.

"But... But..." Seras began again; but then, as she continued staring down, one of the seeds caught her eye.

The fledgling found herself unable to look away. It was... it was beautiful, utterly complex in its simplicity. It was as if it were calling to her, promising to reveal the very secrets of the universe, if she would but take the time to listen. Without speaking another word, the fledgling bent down and picked up the seed. She scrutinized it in the pale moonlight. "Marvelous, absolutely marvelous." Why had she never before noticed the quiet wisdom that seeds held? After a moment of study, Seras placed the seed in her pocket and moved on to the next one. If one seed was so incredible, surely, two would be even better; and if two were even better, than three must have been...

"Foolish vampires. You really thought you had a chance against Sir Peter Van-Hell-Griffin?" The Fatman asked and let out a laugh; but if the two vampires heard him, they gave no indication of it. They just continued on with their seed counting, and Peter went back to the bush, retrieving his binoculars before squatting back down and going back to 'helping' Death.

"Okay, you made a little mistake in coming to her... but we can still assert your dominance. Now pull her face to yours and give her the kind of kiss that makes her want to kneel down and thank God for making her a woman." Peter instructed the spirit.

But Death, once again, had some reservations regarding the fatman's advice. Integra was still shouting at the spirit, her every word laced with venom. "Ah, Peter?" The spirit whispered, Integra's shouting making it impossible for her to hear what he was saying. "Ah, she really doesn't seem to be in the mood to be kissed right now."

"That just means you'll catch her off guard."

"Yeah, but..."

"Trust me, Death. Women love to be surprised."

"Yeah, but..."

"Just kiss her." Peter instructed; and the spirit, his willpower already eroded by how hot Integra's ranting was making him, just gave in and obeyed.

And he did actually manage to catch the woman off guard. Her eyes went wide, and it took her a full three seconds to recover and pull out her pistol. But then... then things took a serious turn for the worse.

The first shot blew off Death's skull, and the thing bounced across the floor of Integra's office. Upon noticing the utter lack of dark, swirling, shadow matter that always accompanied her servant's injuries, Integra finally figured out that the 'Death' 'person' really wasn't Alucard in another form. The knight's eyes narrowed, and she growled like a tiger as she chased the spirit out of her mansion, the whole-while continuing to riddle his body with blessed silver bullets.

(Well, I hope you enjoyed the last chapter as much as the other two. Please drop me a review and let me know what you thought thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)

(To Kriske: Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed the first couple of chapters. Hope you got as big a kick out of the last one. :)


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